Too Fragile For Happiness
by IhaveAlotOfFeelings
Summary: After the war, Katniss has nightmares and the deep emotional pain still remains. After the sudden arrival of Peeta returning to district 12. She can't cope with the pain anymore, and decided to attempt suicide. Peeta comforts her by confining in her about the truth about the capitol.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: Apologies for bad grammar and spelling. This took a lot for me to write, it was emotional to say the least. I hope you enjoy this anyway. Please review!**

I fall asleep on the sofa in the formal living room. A terrible nightmare follows, where I'm lying at the bottom of a deep grave, and every dead person I know by name comes by and throws a shovel full of ashes on me. It's quite a long dream, considering the list of people, and the deeper I'm buried, the harder it is to breathe. I try to call out, begging them to stop, but the ashes fill my mouth and nose and I can't make any sound. Still the shovel scrapes on and on and on...

I wake up with a start. Pale morning light come around the edge of the shutters. Still half in the nightmare, the guilt raging inside of me, shaking all of my bones. I run down the hall, out the front door and around the side of the house, because now I'm pretty sure I can scream at the dead. Prim, Rue, Finnick, all there faces repeat in my mind. Staring at me with such blame and pain.

As I look up I see him. His face is flushed from digging up the ground under the windows. In a wheelbarrow are five scraggly bushes. I peer into his eyes, as he does mine. The yearning for him takes over me. but as quickly as that does, so does the pain.

Rushing back inside away from Peeta; trying to forget his blue eyes, clouded with hurt. I'm sure he saw me sprint inside with panic, but I don't care. I climb up the creaky stairs as quickly as I can, my foot catches on the last step and I crash into the floor. I force myself to rise and scramble to the bathroom. Running the hot water, I throw myself into the bath. Scrubbing the pain and self-reproach off my tender flesh, until it's shredded like tissue paper and blood seeps through the laboratory-grown cells. I drop the worn out brush that scrubs my dead skin and lean back, with my hair partly soaked in the dirty water. It doesn't feel enough. The longing to see my father, rue, Prim, Cinna, Boggs, and Finnick washes over me. I miss the closeness that Peeta and I once had. But I have put him through to much pain to regain it back. Once I was the mocking jay, a face of a powerful rebellion. Now I am ruined, too fragile for happiness.

Greasy Sae has stop coming to cook, I haven't seen Haymitch in weeks, probably off drunk. This gives me an opportunity to be with them again.

I hear a soft knock at the door. "Katniss?" the voice asks softly. I would know that voice anywhere. Peeta. At the sound of his voice I impulsively go into overdrive. I throw open a draw beside the bath and scramble through it to find something that will finish the destruction I've done to myself. impulsively throw what isn't useful out of the draw. I end up cutting my fingers finding a smooth silver razor. I hold it up under the light, studying it's edges. It looks blunt, but I'm sure it will fulfill its purpose.

"I'm okay Peeta." I try to yell out, but the guilt bubbles in my neck and you can hear it in my voice.

"Katniss!" He shouts with concern.

I don't even think, I don't put thought into how deep I need to make it, which way I am meant to do it. I just let the pain consume me and the blood pour out. I can see the yellow fat cells beneath my arms and the white muscle that lays underneath. "It's over now Peeta." I whimper softly. And as soon as the words leaves my lips, I knew I shouldn't of said them. Too much suspicion and questioning within them. I ease down back into the hot water and sit, up to my neck in suds, hoping death will take over me soon.

The door frame cracks and eventually breaks. Peeta stands before me, staring down in my red watered bathtub. He looks disappointment and shock but the expression quickly fades and sadness replaces it. "I'm sorry" is all I can mumble out.

Peeta rips off a towel from the rack and holds it over my wrist. "Katniss" he whispers under his breath. "What have you done?"

Peeta craddles my body out of the bathtub and leans his back to the wall sliding down to the floor with me in his arms. The energy has been drained from my body, all I have left is deppression and guilt running through my veins. He holds my arm so tight my fingertips are begining to turn white, it's hard not to wince. "I'm sorry Katniss. I have to stop the bleeding." He doesn't look up, avoiding my eyes completely. I don't have the durability or the energy to fight back against Peeta, so I let him help me without complaint. Damn it, Peeta is going to save my life once 's at that moment everything becomes too much and my ugly sobs become uncontrollable.

In complete silence he carries me and sits me upright on the bed, walking out. I can feel myself getting dizzy, the feeling of relief comes to me, that this is it, that I will see Prim again. Peeta returns with hurt in eyes, peering at the physical state I am in.

We stay like this for a while before Peeta finally releases his tight grip around me. Taking the bandage off. "This will hurt Katniss." He whispers still avoiding my eyes. He pours an oily liquid over it, it immediately burns so much it is all I can focus on. I pull my arm back out of reflex but Peeta holds it still.

"I'm sorry" he repeats. "I have to do this so it doesn't get infected." He works silently, pushing a needle into my arm. "This will numb it so I can stitch this, okay Katniss?"

I nod as he injects the strange medicine into my arm. I can't help but wonder how he learnt how to take care of someone like this.

"How do you know how to heal people Peeta?" I say softly.

"Part of recovery before I could come back home was to learn how to look after myself. Properly, I had to be taught first aid. I was taught by your Mother actually." He says as he works away with thread and needles. All I do is nod in reply.

After he finishes stitching and bandaging my arm he helps me into a loose top and some pajama pants and tucks me into bed. He doesn't say anything and neither do I, I just allow him to dress me and put me into bed. He sits on top of the covers beside me and pushes a few strands of hair behind my head. I can't help but feel guilty for what I have put him through.

"Why did you do this to yourself Katniss?" He whispers, breaking the gentle silence between us. I look up and meet his gaze, this is the first time he has properly looked at me since he found me in the bathtub.

I don't want to talk because I know I will begin looking weak, and start crying all over again. So I just shake my head.

"Katniss" he sighs sadly.

"I can't hurt like this anymore." I manage to croak out before my eyes begin watering.

"Katniss.." he says soft and slowly. "You can't leave. There is people who need you."

"Who?" I snap. "Prim? Gale? Boggs? Cinna? Finnick? You!?" I ramble, just realizing I'm yelling. I lower my voice. "I'm sorry Peeta." I add in a whisper He doesn't deserve to be shouted at, after everything he has done.

Peeta leans in, and I notice his stubble has began to grow. He gently kisses my cheek. "I need you. I need you Katniss."

Something I never expected to hear from Peeta after the war, after the hijacking. I saw the pain rip through him. The capitol stripping Peeta from every feeling he ever had for me, leaving nothing to rebuild from. I've become reminded of how much I missed Peeta, how starved I've been for human closeness. For the feel of him beside me.

He gets up to leave me alone for the day, but I find myself saying something familiar. "Peeta?" I ask.

He turns around from the door frame to look at my frail face. "Yeah?"

"Will you stay with me?"

He climbs into bed under the covers and I cuddle into him, like I use too. His scent is well known to me, it gives me comfort.

"Always" he whispers.

Not that romance could ever hear the emotion scars that coat my brain, but Peeta gives me hope. That's what I need to keep surviving. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life will go on, no matter how bad our loses. That it will be good again. And only Peeta can give me that.


	2. Chapter 2

When I wake, I have a brief feeling on happiness that is somehow connected with Peeta. Happiness of course, is a complete absurdity at this point. My head and the wound buried beneath a bandage on my arm begin to throb as the memories of what had happened last night filter through my brain. I reach out to find Peeta and pull myself closer to him, hoping to find some relief from the pain.

"Hey Katniss" he whispers opening his eyes slowly.

"Hi." I don't know what I should say. I'm sorry? I miss you? I love you? I deserve to be dead?

Wait- _I love you?_ How could I think of such a stupid thing. I could never love after Prim, I miss her so much I don't want to replace my love for her with someone else. But this was a different kind of love. A love that stirred deep inside me, leaving me craving more of him, more his voice, his paintings, his baking, his arms, his face. Everything he had in his life I wanted- _needed_ to be a part of. I can't be vocal to him, it would break him surely. I am not needed, for anyone or anything.

I'm quickly drawn out of my reasoning when Peeta must've noticed me deep in thought.

"What are you thinking about Katniss?" He asks running his fingers through my hair.

"you." I say without thinking.

"Me?" is replies genuinely surprised, "What about me?"

"My feelings." I add.

"Katniss you have been through so much yesterday you shouldn't think about feeling's towards me right now." He says giving me a sympathetic smile. "When you're better you can." Peeta says kissing my forehead.

"Okay." is all I can muster.

Peeta gets out of bed and puts his jumper back on and walks downstairs. I hear the door close and I assume he has gone home for the day. I swing my legs off the bed and push myself up, the floor is cold on my feet. I force myself into the shower and place it on the hottest temperature I can remember, ignoring any soaps and hair products. I squat under the hot spray, elbows to my knees, head in my hands. I feel the heat start to burn my skin and I let myself enjoy it. I rip the white bandage from my arm and study the wound. jagged, swollen and ugly, but Peeta did a good job of stitching it. I have an urge to rip the stitches open and dig deeper into my arm but guilt riddles through me. I try to convince myself that I'm too far gone to worry about it, but I still care about Peeta. If anything he would be the one that finds my body, and I refuse to put him through that. I'll need to find somewhere were I can succeed at my inevitable suicide.

Finally clean I pull on my robe and head back to bed, ignoring my dripping wet hair and climb back under the blankets. I hear the familiar footsteps on the stairs and it renews my anxiety of what occurred last night. The flashback of the blood red water is so vivid it takes me a moment to adjust myself back to reality. I have to pull myself together, act fine until I can find somewhere to finish the job. I have to be strong. I struggle into an upright position, push my wet hair from my face, and brace myself for Peeta. He appears in the doorway, holding cheese buns and his face filled with worry and concern. I open my mouth, planning to start off with some kind of joke, and burst into tears.

so much for being strong.

Peeta crawls up next to me and somehow our fingers entwine. He makes quiet soothing sounds and holds me tightly in his embrace, until I'm mostly all cried out. Peeta grabs my towel in the bathroom and dries my hair, combing out the knots and coaches a few cheese buns into me. Neither of us have said anything since he came back, it wasn't awkward or draining. It's a comfortable silence. I let myself relax, enjoy his presence while I have it. Part of me doesn't want to die, just so I can stay here with him.

"I miss you Katniss." He whispers holding me close.

"I know." I say softly choking back sobs "I miss you too."

"Why didn't you call me Katniss? in the capitol, when you were feeling like this?" he says

"Because." I try to choke it back but now I just cry as I speak, trying not to jumble up my sentences. "You were a mess Peeta. I would've just caused you more pain. You were fine before me. You were okay."

"Katniss." he pauses for a moment. "I would never be okay without you. You helped me, when we'd play real or not real. You're the only one who knew the answers to most of my questions. I need you just as much as you need me." he says.

I lean up towards him and kiss his lips. Soft and warm, like they always were. He resists at first but gives up embraces me completely.

After what feels like only seconds he pulls away and gets up. He gave me a sensation that grew warm and spread through every part of me, now I feel cold and alone. He looks over to me noticing my expression. "It's okay Katniss I'm still here." he pauses. "I know you said that you didn't want to hurt anymore, but help me understand Katniss."

"There's no reason for me anymore, not purpose." I find myself justifying why Peeta doesn't need me. "Besides you. But you can move on Peeta, you are so much better now. You deserve to find a girl who isn't damaged who can be there for you."

"Katniss I never told you this. And I never wanted to you, I didn't want you to know, but now I think you need to." he pauses sitting himself upright. "When I was in the capitol getting 'recovered' I tried to do what you did Katniss. I didn't want to be here anymore. Just like I said on the beach, no body needs me, and it's true. I lost you, forever. The bakery was gone, my family, my friends all passed because of the bombing in District Twelve. I had nothing."

Two lost kids. Like we always were I think. Just blaming ourselves for things that were out of our control, things that happened to each other. I never let myself think that Peeta still cared about me, or would ever find love within me again. I wouldn't allow myself to have that hope, to let myself love him. And now I can finally enable myself to. "We only have each other now." I say. I never thought I would be okay with that. A life without Prim, Gale, everyone. But for the first time I feel relief in it. That Prim wouldn't have to live through nightmares of the war. That I won't see the anger in Gale or the sadness in my Mother. "I love you Peeta." I let out.

For now, I do feel okay. There will be moments when Peeta will clutch the back of a chair, and hang on until the flashbacks are over. And there will be times where I will scream from nightmares of lost children so hard my voice will go dry. But for now, we'll be okay. I will learn to ignore the reflection in the mirror that tells me to quit. Right now, I want live.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N + DISCLAIMER: I don't own any rights to the hunger games trilogy. As mentioned in my profile Bio, I do take dialect and parts of the stories straight from my books into fanficitions, this is because I feel the fanfics can be a lot more realistic to the story. Please enjoy :)**

With many lost days, we come back to life. I try to follow Dr Aurelius's advice, just going through the motions, amazed when one finally had meaning again. We learn to keep busy again. Peeta bakes. I hunt. Haymitch drinks until the liquor runs out, and then raises geese until the next train arrives. Fortunately, the geese can take pretty good care of themselves. We're not alone. A few hundred others return because, whatever has happened, this is our home. With the mines closed, they plow ashes into the earth and plant food. Machines from the Capitol break ground for a new factory where we will make medicines. Although no one seeds it, the meadow turns green again.

Peeta and I grow back together. There are still moments when he clutches the back of a chair and hangs on until the flashbacks are over. I wake screaming from nightmares of mutts and lost children. But his arms are there to comfort me, and eventually his lips.

On one particular night when all I can see if Finnick becoming evaporated into mutts shiny teeth, I wake up with a scream so loud it pierces through my ears. Peeta pulls me in close and says soothing words to make the memory go away, but I can still see bits of mutts and human flesh shoot out of the pipe and showering us.  
"What can I do Katniss?" he whispers in desperation to calm my brain that riddles of the memory.  
It's been a long time since the capitol and in a fit of curiosity and a chance to distract myself from Finnick, I find myself asking, "What did they do in the capitol to you Peeta?"  
He looks up with surprised, and almost too fearful to answer but he does anyway. "I don't think you should know Katniss, it would hurt you too much."  
I prop myself up on one elbow facing him now. "No, I want to know" I say.  
"Okay" He takes a deep breath and tenses his forehead, trying to remember without letting himself drown into a flashbacks.

"I remember when I was in the hovercraft, I was so confused. All I wanted to know was if you were safe but they threw me onto a silver table, I felt tubes and wires springing out of me in every which way. I remember yelling out for you but they pushed sleep syrup into one of the tubes." He pauses for a moment, and looks up at my expression, looking for permission to continue, I nod.

"I don't remember much after that. I remember Johanna's screams, and Annies cries. She would scream Finnicks name during the night. I can never forget those screams" He says as a tear brushes down his cheek. I wipe it away and tell him to stop, as I see the pain begin rise throughout his face but he keeps going anyway. "They wouldn't feed us for days, even when they did it was scrapes, scrapes of stale food. Every now and then they would give me burnt bread; I tried to hold onto the memory of giving you the bread in the rain. But they stripped it away with everything else." He says taking a deep breath. "I remember hearing the scientist discussing taking their children out to a sports game on a Saturday morning. They were talking as if nothing in their surroundings were wrong, like what they were doing was okay. I remember my lips would go blue, because of how cold I was. I tried to remember when we were in the cave together, in the first games, and how cold I was then too. But the longer I was there every good memory was harder and harder to reach. I remember burning irons touching my skin; I became so numb by the end of it." He begins to hold his head in his hands and I knew I shouldn't have asked.

"I'm sorry Peeta" I whisper, but he can't hear me. Not when his flashbacks are this horrid. He hasn't had one this bad in a long time and I have forgotten how to handle them.

It's a long shot, but I do the only thing I can think of. I lean in and kiss Peeta, a long kiss one. One I haven't given to him in a while. His whole body starts shuddering, but I keep my lips pressed to his until I have to come up for air. My hands slide up his wrists to close clasp his. Peeta's panting hard as he fights the nightmares raging in his head. I clench his hands to the point of pain. "Stay with me."  
His pupils contract to pinpoints, dilate again rapidly, and then return to something normality. "Always." He murmurs


	4. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE. (Sort of.)**

 **A/N: (IMPORTANT.) I felt like it was time to end this story, but I knew the epilogue would basically be the exact same as the book so it is an epilogue but not as far into the future as the one from the book. Short and sweet, Hope you enjoy this ending.**

After a long time, things become easier. The nightmares have become bearable and Peeta's flashbacks have almost become nonexistent. We do what we know helps, hunting, baking, or for Haymitch, drinking. Life has become good again.

The longing to be with all the people I have lost still remains, but I am able to pull myself out of it most of the time. Often I wish I had succeeded that day, but most of me is happy I didn't. I found my way back to Peeta, and that's more than I could ask for.

Almost every night we find ourselves wrapped up together on the couch working on our memory book. I got the idea from my family's plant book. The place where we recorded those things you cannot trust to memory. The page begins with the person's picture. A photo if we can find it. If not, a sketch or a painting by Peeta. Then, in my most careful handwriting , come all the details it would be a crime to forget. Lady licking Prim's check. My father's laugh. Peeta's father with the cookies. The colour of Finnick's eyes. What Cinna could do with a length of silk. Boggs reprogramming the Holo. Rue poised on her toes, arms slightly extended, like a bird ready to take flight. On and on. We seal the pages with salt water and promise to live well and make their death count. Additions become smaller. An old memory that surfaces. A late primrose preserved between the pages. Strange bits of happiness , like the photo of Finnick's and Annie's son newborn son.

The night we add the photo of Finnick and Annie's son I feel at peace. Peace that I longed to find after so long, a freedom that does exist after all. That I can live again. When I withdrawal myself from thought I notice Peeta's blue eyes looking into mine. "Katniss, you love me real or not real?" I almost think he is joking but the seriousness on his face draws me back.  
"Real." I reply without any hesitation.  
I'm worried when he looks away, unexpectedly he reaches into his pocket and takes a small black velvet box out and opens it, it takes a moment for me to register that the ring inside has the pearl on it. The exact pearl from the Quarter Quell. I'm confused until he says, "Katniss, will you become my wife and marry me?"  
Then I realise it's an engagement ring, something that is more than rare in District twelve but famous in the upper districts and the Capitol.  
Without any doubt in my mind I say, "Yes."


End file.
